H profusely apologized for leaving like that as he freaked out and it was such a shock. This whole experience (the initial abandonment, then the rejection, then the weeks later DDay and post DDay treatment) is enough to make me rethink having a relationship in any form. The actual A / bad treatment since is totally being ignored. Sending hugs. Why does pretending not to care get a result and not just being legit and honest? For sure thats due to the kindness, generosity and the open mindedness of the lovely crew on here. It was weird. Your H seems to have cracked quite early (3 weeks) dafter DDay. Just go ahead and imagine the worst because anything short of leave me alone is the worst. I wonder what he heard. Now that he finally gets it he had a very different attitude about our R and M. All I can say is if he continues to blame the BS for HIS CHOICE TO HAVE AN A then he is not ready to R and go to MC. You guys are right when you say things are moving quickly. Runaway bride syndrome (gamophobia, gametophobia) is a complex of negative personality traits that are not related to mental illness. You need to accept it as it really is. I still have a lot of things inside me that dont just want to go away. TFW: I know I shouldnt swear. Theres lots to read on that and we all know the books if you are interested. The lack of remorse is tough to process. But I would rather know NOW than spend 1 more day trying to make it work and realizing I am wasting my time. This may be convoluted and disjointed but I think you get the picture. Ill be in touch with an update hopefully some good news soon. Still seeing the OW and professing it was over. It is so darn confusing when you are in the middle of grief but I like how it explains that grief is different from bereavement. This is what made things very real for my h. He thought he would manipulate me into going along with his charm and ability to sell ice to Eskimos and I was so stupid I would agree to sharing one lawyer! I would practically freak out if I woke up and he wasnt in the bed. We chatted about cleaning up and going out to dinner that night. I pointed out that Im the same person I have always been and thats got me / us a pretty good way along in life so Yes I am having difficulty getting past that comment. There is a small chance that in time I will come to see it positively as I will never be the same, but maybe thats a good thing. He drove me to the office and I retrieved them. That is what a runaway spouse looks like. Let us consider the psychology of the actions of escaped brides and grooms in more detail. And with my own hand laboured it to grow NC is hard. Be prepared for the worst case scenario. So its naked ambition literally and metaphorically. Pretty sure from everything I read everywhere that no one is happy with the family law system regardless of what country you are in. We dont like the same books or movies or food etc. I now believe he cant come back to me (I would but I cant) because then he has to wear the label of Cheater. They were good parents but I am sure his Mom would not have been able to see any wrong in her darling boy. Puzzled. Rather than take responsibility for his actions, He embraces his new identity wholeheartedly. Other peoples sensibilities rather than my ACTUAL PAIN. They seldom do. Im greatful for that. I think given human behavior you steer clear of relationships that set off the DANGER warning bells. She was pretty adamant she wanted to divorce. After all I had been married 10 years to her. I have complete control of my life and am much stronger. But I kept trudging thru. I do believe if the proper research was done (and absolutely NONE has been done), there would be certain tell tale signs in the brain associated with MLC. To lose your spouse, your social life as a couple, your job (me eventually), property etc. I know what it feels like. As Ive said above, I do not believe him. Infidelity and the consequences of it are, to me, the death of that marriage. Move away from people who would go this and move forward with some positive things in your life. Maybe if Id have made him do more stuff like stripping wallpaper he wouldnt have had time or energy to have an affair. So when we experience it, its freaking scary as hell ( lol I realllly wanted to say the f word there but didnt, aaaarrrggghhh). It is quite a list that we have all heard the exact same things. But it takes strength and courage to make a decision to R or D after infidelity. Now, I didnt throw his clothes on the front steps..I just sort of went into shock. I cant tell you how many times I asked myself why are you doing this to yourself! Mine seems to be digging a hole to China! So I had to detach. Well eff that!!! So I said If you dont want to work on things (R) there are no options that are good, really.. Its been rough as. Thank you Shifting Impressions. And if only it ended in tears. Yes the trip is and was going to do exactly what I said it would do. You nailed it re his delusional thinking to justify his behavior. I did notice that youd gone kinda silent but I thought maybe you werent in the mood to talk. Which purely relates to business and domestic tasks that we all have to do but that H wont attend to. Keep up with the laughing part. Im sorry but its Miss Toughie Pants time. TheFirstWife. Then a year later, almost to the day of Moms death I lost a very dear sister in law, very unexpectedly. I love your authenticity and your realness and your courage to be yourself. What a fool. And sometimes just dont answer him when he calls or texts. The person I seem like I am to anyone I might deal with in the normal course of things and the person who is operating the machinery of the body Im in whos like a mad professor throwing up all these wacky ingredients into the science experiment of my cycling-through-my-feelings cocktail of horror. It was the day of the wedding, and I was literally at the altar when I got cold feet. But it may be too late b/c he can only damage your M so much before it is beyond repair. GoldenCHild deserves to be happy and cheat if he wants to as long as he does NOT lie to MIL he will be hopped into for that sin. Not a text but a phone call. I so stupidly said ok, we can work on it alone. My feeling is that he enjoys the idea that he can come back to me, it puffs up his ego that all Im waiting on is for his return. Lol my MIL was thrilled at my h and my impending divorce. All she had to do was make it to mid-November, and then her fate would be sealed. It helped. Melatonin is now on my shopping list. In some cases, other family members fill the role of the OP to the MLCer, e.g. What kind of holiday is this? On the other hand, if someone was insulting her, she would stand up for herself and then leave the situation. In the past, I read that most mens worst fear is ending up alone. It is so helpful to hear about your experiences, but Im so worried that because H has already left the home and even now has moved again to another suburb even further away, R is looking bleak. So for all of the men out there, women too run away from their families and responsibilities. They need to justify their behavior. I should have gone hardcore straight out of the gate (NC and legal) and I feel I may have had a better chance to turn this around. Get him to sign away the business to you. It is normal. hahahaha. Legal stuff. I even mentioned a few and he said he doesnt believe (post A) they really would. Its sign or forever-be-sorry day for H. Thats why I need to get it urgently signed off because the business underpins my financial security until mid next year when I will clearly be getting divorced. I dont need a label to explain character disordered behavior also known as acting like an entitled asshole. Thats what the scroll button is for. Find someone better! I just wish he would snap out of it. I just thought a casual dinner at our local Thai might bring some normalcy back into the picture. H came over to walk our dog for the first time since last week. I had to show them how to love even when you are getting nothing in return. And then you have to greet hubby, go shopping, and many other far from festive concerns. I looked at him and told him not interested. brides can be under a lot of stress! It was a choice he made a poor one and he got caught up in the emotional side and it overtook him. Outwardly, this is often not visible, but in her (him) soul suddenly something sank and began And that is not so, and it is not that way. I was someone else back then. I also hope you can keep the business together and as I said he can always be hired back as an employee but never an owner. True story TFW. So no I am not apologizing for my salty words. Human nature is human nature and there is nothing new under the sun as they say. Thanks so much Shifting Impressions. Staying calm and one day at a time etc. It sucks. No answer. I cycled through the stages and randomly went back to them in no order at all and repeated, repeated, repeated. I see it with my children how much relationships have changed thanks to texting and social media. Definitely. The clues were never there. So my lawyer told him thats fine, we plan on subpoenaing the OW and also sue HER for Alienation of Affection and Resources which is still a law in my state which would me a huge forensic accounting of all businesses!! Im not sure that distancing is a bad thing. Id actually be sweating too. Im always touched and amazed at the compassion we receive fro total strangers. You are not alone in this struggle called life. Uneasy. No worries. My feeling is if it was totally not an option he wouldnt be pushing so hard to end our M and nor would he refusing R if she wasnt in the picture (even in his mind). My BitchBoot is on (Thanks TFW) and my ToughiePants too. It could also be that she wanted to subtly let me know that there would be no R ( maybe acting on instructions from my H) as MIL baulked when I queried how she knew that, since she said she had not had any conversations with her son about the situation. ???????? But from what I have read EAs and PAs are a form of self medicating too. Word for word too! It was very hard to hear him cry. So thankful! So yes Doug and LInda have been a Godsend and I didnt find this place until about two years out from DDay. I am a very self-aware, emotionally intelligent person and even though I can see clearly that I accepted alot of behaviour over the years that was unacceptable and am working on healing these parts of me, the reality is that he was VERY skilled at lying, deceiving and manipulating. And get some sleep! Stay professional about that. Try not to involve him personally. So far it now seems like D. So upset. The money factor in our case, not that were talking crazy amounts but its enough for someone to run away for a few years lets put it that way. The I work created in those years is very precious to me. LOL I mean that whole Words with Friends came out of nowhere or pulled right out of his ass! Thank you TheFirstWife and TryingHard for the lovely replies. FIL did not even ask how I was coping. Challenged myself in a few ways, but by far the biggest challenge was slipping out without Hs knowledge. I wish I could have taken a picture of the incredulous looks on those three mens faces when I threw that golf club down standing in the middle of my destruction told him eff you and walked out the door. If he is out as an owner then he stays out. Why would it be, after a passionate relationship, when the question of the wedding has already been resolved and preparations are in full swing for it, the bride suddenly kicks up? Dont make yourself too available. I was worried that I was inherently flawed and so I felt I needed to get rid of myself in order to please someone else. As hes waking from the anesthesia he was all groggy and he looks at me and honestly says I lllllooove you so much. My situation is just a bit different from most of the commenters here . She needed space. Of course OW called and told him about her front door being broken too. Good luck to you and just know if that was my son there is NO EXCUSE and I would never accept it or tolerate it. Safe journey for the rest of your trip!!! We all have times when we wonder if weve made the right career path and life choices. So many do thinking another person will make them happy and eliminate their troubles. That is one serious grief cocktail you have had to manage. First, what your fianc did was nasty, selfish, and loathsome. I hope he is willing to sign the financial divorce papers for now. This is exactly how my R started. We had another 2 hour walk with our dog with coffees and even a swim. I am so so sorry this happened. When I arrived home and demanded the whereabouts of HER phone, she said it was in her purse, whilst she played with Facebook. Hes starting to open up a little this is why its called a roller coaster. It was calm. My H is young, currently more impulsive (this new 2.0 post 40 year old version of him that is) yet I would have previously described him as the steadiest person I know. We dont compartmentalise and we are more likely to want to be with one person rather than split ourselves between two people. Eventually, he will come out of it and see what hes done. Next question I read an article about a W with a hardened heart. I was fortunate to have found this site not long after d-day.a life line for sure. There are no good answers. Love that line about him being a timid forest creature. I thought my H was struggling with a couple of personal demons / issues mostly relating to his job but that our marriage itself was rock solid. Podcaster, actor, writer, and visual artist, Jhonu Alicia invites other artists and creatives to rant, love and create, while sharing stories through her blog (Ranting Through Life) and podcast (Ranting Through Life: Life Hacks for The Creative Soul). I think hes spoken and maybe you just dont want to listen to what hes telling you. Wedding books and movies focus on the fantasy of perfection, one that is not achievable in the real world. What to do: > Talk honestly to your betrothed. When Lois realizes she lost her engagement ring and drags Oliver back to the Fortune Casino, the two run into the owner Amos Fortune, who accuses them of stealing money from him. And I love you as you are in all of your saltiness and because of your saltiness. She said she needed a drink and she doesnt drink!!! Indeed no it is not you or your strength or weakness or anything else about you. The runaway spouse may not physically leave but emotionally theyve checked out. They are all very shocked by my H. No one can believe how he is acting out. I helped him start a business and am co-owner in the same business that now employs quite a few people. I need it. She coolly replied that my H needed to sort out his issues on his own even though she is scripting his texts to me. Youre getting there. But I think again it was just syaing it as he thought he should. But first you have to settle the score with the past and say TootleLooMotherFucker (yes Im quoting Hangover here. Its a tactic absolving him of any agency plus it obscures the inconvenient truth that H left our home by his own free will / choice. But Im gathering thats the typical CS blame game. They really do follow a script even though the details are different. I believe it. Guess who took the brunt of that? I didnt find a text or stumble across an email. When OW contacted him again (3rd time) he never responded and showed me the email immediately. I was eerily calm and asked 3 questions. Of course he said its over and now they are just friends. Youve gotten a lawyer and thats paramount. But it was a ruse. When we loose someone its so very normal to go into remember when mode. My neighbors must have thought there was a wounded animal in the woods. No analysing You will survive this and be a better person despite the pain. If Im good? Her behavior also started when our oldest went off to college. Panic attacks are still daily but they are calming down a bit quicker. 2. I do, however, encourage people to lawyer up. Grief is just so debilitating. Hate her! Your H would not. You are making plans to protect yourself and YOU interests because well he just cant be trusted. Do you think it is too soon for this or will it shock him into comprehension of what is at stake? Mostly she came over to find out where Im up to, because I think she knows its hammer time. Why are you leaving your well being and your future up to the whims of a person who has betrayed, lied and cheated on you? When I fell down, you were on my mind. You have no idea how much I have learned from both of you. I hope whatever struggles you are experiencing you are supported by your loving family members. He told me he thinks about me every day. After discovery the house of cards cave in and they are generally left with nothing. I think it takes sheer determination and strength of character to get through your spouses affair. He wont like it. A convo to take his temp on the situation. I am so sorry for you. It reminds them they love you) and well I just had to call and tell you, OK so maybe not those exact words but do you know what I am saying? But it was only after he first found out that he would not get what he assumed that he started even talking with me again, and then of course the MC suggestion that was retracted etc. I thought we had a happy life. I particularly dont trust women, which is really hard as Ive always been very pro-women, but my MIL and the OW and a couple of female friends recently have shown me a disloyal side to women. Yeah. She replied with Thanks for the info. And I suggest find a female as well. He has had every chance to turn this around. I do feel like he is being influenced by this OW or maybe just the coworkers other random people he works with who I do not know etc. His text was beautiful but its hard not to be suspicious of motive. On the morning of the wedding day, Rebecca called David and told him that she wanted to cancel the wedding. Dont talk too much about divorce. It could be a honeymoon pic. Assrrrgh what a jerk. Call it Midlife crisis or Affair Fog or both or whatever you want. I pleaded, I begged he allow me to process this info and stay and talk about it. Still got a bit of a twitchy finger in terms of releasing the legal hounds. 10. In any case you cant play tennis by yourself so if it wasnt for all you guys rallying to help me actually make it through another day at the coalface none of it would happen. No matter how hard I tried, there was no stopping her. 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